Since the beginning of time, all boys growing up and becoming men have asked themselves or have been asked, what is it that makes a man a man? From their group of friends, to that crazy uncle, to their own fathers, and most importantly society’s “silent” measuring stick for manhood. If you’re a male and you haven’t been asked or questioned yourself this, all props to you; you’re one of the lucky ones that aren’t losing sleep at night pondering this question of self-value. Lately, just like everyone else, life has been hard. It has been throwing me curveballs, and it’s been one thrilling roller coaster, leaving me to question, what am I truly doing here? Am I really a “man” if I’m crying about my problems? Am I man enough to be a man? These are just a few questions that are constantly rattling in my head on a daily basis.

From the outside looking in, I meet the manly man persona heavily. I’m independent, built, always have a serious face, and even meet the “silent” standard of being six feet or taller in height. But if I’m being honest, I never felt like a man unless I was acting according to what society says a man is supposed to be – whatever that is. The Bible mentions how a man is supposed to be a leader of his household, to lead his family, and stand strong when problems surface and storms come along. Meanwhile, the world says a man should be courageous, never talk about his feelings or struggles, have x amount of women in his rotation, have a high paying salary, and be “super” masculine. To me, it seems if you aren’t meeting either of these standards, you are not actually a man. So in a sense, you’re damned if you do​ and ​damned if you don’t. It all just seems like a balancing act to me honestly, because I can’t be all of that. I recently did a survey asking what is a man, truly? Among different types of males, old to young, introverted to extroverted, and even rich to poor, the constant response was a provider, someone who never talks about their feelings, never takes crap from anyone, and most importantly, someone who never lets the world see when their world is on fire. I was shocked, to say the least. After all my interviews, these responses just confirmed we’re all just putting up a front to meet somebody else’s idea of what a man should be, and not our own.

For twenty out of my twenty-two years of life, I was acting, pretending to be something I wasn’t and didn’t wholeheartedly believe to be true or what I felt internally about myself. I feel like I should have won the Academy Award for Best Actor. Denzel ain’t got nothing me if I’m being honest. I went through life trying to be what other men were portraying to the public eye. The best advice I ever got about being a man was actually from a woman, my mother. She said, If I’m going to lose, I’m going to lose with a smile. This is what energized me to stop being a fraud by prioritizing everyone’s expectations of me and just be me, Phillip. I’d be lying if I said it was easy or that I’m completely done fulfilling others’ expectations of me, but I’m more self-aware of it and can stop it in its tracks when those old habits of pleasing others over myself arises.

So at the end of my life, if someone asks me, did you feel like a man in your lifetime? I hope to say no. I pray that I was me through it all. I hope to say I was a tall six-foot-four man who loved to watch romantic comedies, to look at sunsets and dreamed about the world and its wonders, talked about my feelings, and was a huge advocate for mental health. And whenever God gives me a wife and kids, that I provided for them emotionally, physically, and financially, and got back up when life brought me to my knees because I had people relying on me. I write this piece not just for boys and men everywhere, but for girls and women too. We can’t just fit into what somebody creates for us to be. You have to fail at being somebody you’re not in order to live happily being you. You may feel like a fool being you because you are going against the grain or not fitting in but that’s okay. We laugh at the fool, but the fool is the only one to have the courage to look like the fool in order to gain experience or knowledge. So, you’re winning in my book.