There always comes a time when conflict arises, whether it’s at work, school, home, or anywhere else. Since we, as believers, encounter people who are not like us, there will, inevitably, be a difference in how we do things will. Although most of us–or at least the ones who avoid conflict like myself, would like church to be an exception to the rule, it isn’t. We will have a conflict with the congregation, including with friends and thankfully there is a Biblical way to solve it.
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense.” (Matthew 18:15 NLT).
Some time ago, I experienced an offense from a friend. The situation startled me because I don’t do well with conflict. Based on the environment of childhood, I have seen conflict as an indication of danger so I automatically go into flight or fight mode. In that situation, I shut down, meaning I stopped responding and started to internalize every offense instead of pointing it out to my friend at the appropriate time. In the verse above, the Apostle Matthew starts to illustrate how to handle offense within the church in chronological order. So timing and order are key for conflict to be resolved in the right way. Unfortunately, I did not take heed of the first step.
So, first I should have taken it to point out the offense and the following verse states that “… if the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” (Matthew 18:15). I do believe that a failure to do the first step in a timely fashion left me lingering with an offense that festered into deep frustration. So much so that when I finally did point out the offense, it came out with anger instead of love. As believers, we are in a place where we can acknowledge our humanity but choose to lean on the Holy Spirit and the fruit He bears in us. Self-control is one of them (Galatians 5:22), and my neglect of asking Him to help me during that time delayed the resolution of this conflict.
“Know this, beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19).
The biggest mistake I made after this point is that I was so consumed with how I felt that I couldn’t hear the Holy Spirit and His wisdom. In Proverbs 15;1, it says that “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” The culture in our world today encourages us to ‘speak your mind’ and ‘get it off your chest’ however that is not Biblical wisdom.
Words are a powerful force (Proverbs 18:21) which is why God wants us to use them wisely, especially while in conflict.
Though my situation did not resolve well as a result of my actions, I encourage you with this. “…the Spirit that lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” (1 John 4:4 NLT). Meaning that the Holy Spirit, which bears the Fruit, is greater than your flesh–raging emotions in your time of conflict. Even though human conflict is inevitable, even in the church, we as believers have help to handle it the right way. Next time, take a second and say “Holy Spirit, speak through me.”
