The Defining Series was launched to amplify the experiences and testimonies of members of our community. In honor of the Un-Associated 5th Anniversary, we have brought back the community initiative to continue to share stories, triumphs, and challenges as a way to illuminate the journeys of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. We have more in common than we realize, especially as young believers in Christ, and The Defining Series serves as a vehicle to connect us through the common thread of God’s presence in our lives and the myriad of ways in which He makes Himself known to us.
Editor-in-Chief Danielle Clayton sat down with San Diego native Abraham Alozie who is unassociated with comparison.
Danielle Clayton: I am Danielle Clayton and this is The Defining Series and you are?
Abraham Alozie: Abraham Alozie.
D: And what are you un-associated with?
A: I am un-associated with comparison.
A: Ever since I want to say [grade school] if I wasn’t comparing myself to my classmates and grades, it was comparing myself to what they had on. I struggled with acne and started comparing myself to others as the years went on. It got worse and worse with things that I shouldn’t be insecure about or things that I really shouldn’t even allow to hold so much weight. It got bad, to the point where I started looking at myself like I wasn’t good enough in a way, or that I wasn’t what people wanted.
D: I feel that. I had a similar struggle when I was younger, and I don’t know where it came from. Where are you now? Are you in a better place now? Is it something that ebbs and flows, but maybe not as much as when you were younger? Have you gotten a handle on it, would you say?
A: I would say that it’s definitely not as simple as a switch on and off. It’s not something that happens one day and you wake up like, “Why am I worried about this?” It’s something to progressively work on. What has helped me is really removing myself from spaces where I felt I wasn’t good enough. But I would say right now, I’m more comfortable with the person I am – or let me say more comfortable with the person I’m growing into being. It’s one thing to get the comparisons from media, where you sometimes don’t know who it is that is making you feel this way. But then it’s another thing to have it be in your face and for it to be people who look like you and are in your space. So that’s where I felt like it got progressively worse and worse and worse. I’m not gonna sit here and lie and say that it’s completely gone. It’s still something that I would say, doesn’t have that much effect on me just because I’m able to, snap myself back and say, remember that this is a work in progress.
D: I feel that. I think similarly when I think about the feelings that triggered me when I was younger. And now I do think the people that I was around played a really big impact on how I felt when I was younger, it was a constant competition. Not necessarily put on by me, but just it was a very weird and toxic environment, my friends now are very different and I think the focus of our friendship is very different. So, I do understand what you’re saying in terms of, sometimes you unconsciously just grow apart from people. There’s a big difference between who I hang out with now and sometimes God removes people knowing that it’s not a healthy environment for you.
D: With your journey, how has your faith been a part of that process? How has that been a part of this journey of being un-associated with comparison?
A: So you hit it right on the nose. For me, this comparison issue also was inside of the church. There are different kinds of comparison and this was another area of my life where I had comparison issues. I was comparing myself to youth who gave their life to Christ earlier than I did or were more active in the church and it even came down to the point where I was insecure if they knew more Scripture than me. Especially when you’re trying to live for Christ and you’re inside a different space, but it doesn’t all wash away because you’re in church or a part of the body of Christ.
A: I’m now in this comparison issue of where I’m comparing myself to ministers and young ministers type-of-thing, but a Scripture that always helps me out would be Matthew 10:30, where he’s talking about God even knows how many hairs are on your head. You also have to understand that, if God just wanted one certain person, He would have just made that one certain person or just made everybody look the same type of way. I would say that my faith has very much held me up. One thing that I really came to the realization of was that there’s nothing that happens in the light or in the dark on this planet that cannot be explained by Scripture or that cannot be explained by some type of revelation of something in the Bible.
D: I think in my journey, similarly, I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I feel like I’m a lot stronger than I was before. I know that I’ve grown from the person I was as a teenager. God has delivered me from a lot of things and a lot of insecurities and that is a testimony to itself because I’ll be in a situation and retrospect, I would have handled that differently and that’s exciting.
A: Yeah. You’re just hitting things that I feel like I just went through. Even if we’re talking about that first moment where you start to realize, “I don’t need to worry about this anymore,” there’s that verse where it says, “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:6-7). There is no way of really explaining what you feel like when you have that burden lifted off.
D: What has this process taught you about yourself and about God?
A: He’s a patient God and He really has a plan for each and every single individual. It brings only more meaning to the fact that he works in mysterious ways because you never know when it’s going to happen. I would say that it puts me in a mirror every single day. Just like a spiritual mirror – a spiritual mirror for myself just to, not necessarily look back but just look at who I am today and have hope for my tomorrow every single day. One of the major things that I take very seriously is when little cousins or some of my friends come to me and are struggling with something. I’ll almost drop anything I’m doing just to listen to them, and it’s made me a better listener. I thank God for giving me a voice to be able to, speak, and be heard. The only thing I pray for is just that it’s not me who’s speaking, but God.
D: How would you advise someone in the same situation that you were within, in terms of struggling with comparison?
A: I’d tell them not to compare themselves to the people that you see down the road because God has His own strategic plan for you. Make sure that you have your priorities in order. Make sure that it is God, then your family, then your schoolwork. If you have it in this order, you’re going to see the same people you compare yourself to asking questions as to how you are the way you are, and how to access that peace that surpasseth understanding.
D: And knowing all that you know now, what would present-you tell yourself in the past?
A: I really would just put the hammer to the nail and tell him that “look, you’re not supposed to be like these people that you’re looking at. You’re not supposed to be an exact copy. If that were the case, what would make you unique? What would bring you your purpose on this earth? Where would you go?” Literally, if somebody has already done it, why would there be a need for more people? Why would there be a need for innovation? We would have already reached the highest level of humanity in extras. There would be no point in copies. So I would just tell him, keep on doing your thing and I mean, it’s trusting God, that you’re gonna find your path. You’re gonna find your journey and enjoy that journey.
