We tend to seek God for His saving grace and better circumstances within our lives for
the sole purpose of change, but what if God ends up changing us, instead of our circumstances? Will we be satisfied with God’s response? In the beginning, I wasn’t.
Over these last few months, a lot has happened: I’ve graduated from my Master’s program after two long years, I’m working my first adult “career” job, and finally reached a point to have some sort of financial revenue. I should be happy, stable, and sure of myself right? I’ve checked off things that we all aspire to in some shape or form. Quite frankly, I’ve felt feelings that were the exact opposite – feelings of hopelessness and instability, and I never felt comfortable in this newfound “security” I thought I had.
Crazy, right? Over the last few months, I have been battling with God over not-so-pleasant circumstances, from my faith in Him and whether His love for me was ever really there. The main
source of my battles with Him has been my health. When I first dealt with my spinal injury, I asked how
is this happening to me. I’m young. Things like this don’t happen until you are usually older. When bad things happen to us, our first instincts are to blame God, such as “How could you, aren’t you a good God?”(Job 2:10 NLT) I feel many of us get to this point or are currently experiencing it, where we’re
seeking change in our lives, wanting better circumstances from God, or a “perfect” life.
(Proverbs 13:12) showcases to us that “hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing
fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Trust me, I did feel sick. I suffered a back injury that countless doctors couldn’t diagnose or remedy. They could not even give me any hope for a brighter tomorrow over these tribulation-filled few years. Man couldn’t do anything to save me. Speaking frankly, I had internally given up and felt broken, and wondered God where are you (Psalms 34:18 KJV)? I pleaded with God, tried to attend any church-related services, and jokingly tried to throw the whole bank at Him in hopes of a change in my life by offering my tithings. Ultimately I wanted God to remove all of these battles from my plate, and make my life “perfect”. I wanted to change. Truthfully, I thought once I became a Christian, I could ask for whatever I wanted and God would bring it to pass for me no matter what it was. I would have no storms or issues and I would have all that I needed. Only that statement is partially correct, “God is all that we need” (Philippians 4:19 AMPC).
So what was I left with? Disappointment, confusion, continual anger in my soul, and feelings of uncertainty. These types of feelings can lead anyone into a dark place, a place of distrust, and questioning. All of these things made me ultimately forget what mighty things He had recently accomplished through my life, such as graduating, and securing a job. Still, every day I asked God, how about now? Waiting and not getting what we want can turn the mind and heart into a treacherous battlefield. Most notably, it can make us as individuals forget and negate all the good God has accomplished in and through our lives up until those points (Exodus 16:2-3 ERV). During my trials, and tribulations I prayed and pleaded for God to give me this perfect and issue-free life, to change my current circumstances, but in the end, He didn’t. However, maybe God was trying to change something else instead – me.
I always wondered how could God be so sovereign if my circumstances wouldn’t change
how I wanted them to be at a flip of a switch when I prayed. But thinking about it, it is easier to
change a person or a situation. I’ll choose the latter due to what all of us have – free will. Recently, I had another appointment with another spine specialist for a possible solution to my
health concerns.
I went in praying to God and believing this was going to be my breakthrough, that I
would be healed, and that I’d be finally “free” from this thorn just like I believed before my previous appointments. What the doctor said couldn’t have been farther from it. But what the doctor did
say was, in a sense, freeing and God-sent. The doctor mentioned how I had many
different issues relating to my injury and felt feelings of uncertainty, but maybe my goal
shouldn’t have been to be issue or trial-free at all. But to get to a point where we’re above these
problems, a place of peace in the midst of it all. I remember sitting there and thinking to myself
how? And then God finally answered me with (1 John 4:4 NIV). Which states, “You, dear
children, are from God and have overcome them because the one who is in you is greater
than the one who is in the world”.
I think I speak for maybe a few or a lot of you. When we pray to God for certain things or
changes, we expect God to respond or answer in a manner that we want Him to. But
maybe God doesn’t want our circumstances to change, but He wants us to. I believe this is
something we all have found amidst it all in our walks.
