There is something different about life as of late. When people used to ask me how I was doing, I would say I was blessed and I couldn’t complain. Now my answer is a bit different. Someone asks me how I feel and now I tell them that I could complain – in fact – I have a lot to complain about. But I don’t.

Lately, I have been the most honest with myself that I have ever been in my life. I’ve been honest with the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing a lot of the time. I’ve been honest about how I feel about each day I live, or about each time I know I’m about to make a bad decision. A big one is how honest I’ve been about how fucked up I’ve been as an individual at times.

I’ve been very honest with myself. This honesty has been helping me to be okay with where I am in life – be okay with the present. It’s a really weird feeling. I could have a terrible day and a million things to complain about. However, when I lay in bed at night I am content. I accept the fact that things aren’t looking good right now, then I just continue to live. I don’t know why this causes me to be so happy when it doesn’t make sense, but it just does. It’s like it forces me to look at the bigger picture – despite having so many things to complain about, there is some type of underlying theme that remains persistent in my everyday life. It’s like this new mindset of accepting the present helps me to focus more on the unchanging facts of my life. The things that are not temporary, but eternal.

We all have gone through those rough patches in life. But we can all agree in the fact that there are indeed temporary. But there is something about me knowing I have God, and me knowing that I am blessed that holds me up above water. My thought process is…

Yo I’m going through it right now.

This shit sucks.

I need to get better.

Ok, that’s what today was? Fine.

This is my pain right now.

Crazy that I can feel such a way in this life…

Crazy that I could have the experience

I’m thankful to even have this life

God sees this, He must have a plan. He must be watching.

I won’t sit here waiting to live life till the pain is over… I must continue to live this life He’s blessed me with.

This time cannot be wasted.

This will work out for my good – this is good – I’m blessed enough, I will see it work out

I know this blog is all over the place. I don’t know how to fully articulate this mindset. In one sentence I will say that: it seems right now I am able to live life, having little or having a lot, and be satisfied because of my identity of being a blessed individual who has purpose in each day and glory to look forward to in my life with God.

I will speak more on this soon…

-E