“People do to you what you allow them to.”
This is something my mother has reminded me of since I was young, especially when I would come home and tell her how something happened that prevented me from enjoying my day. So how can we apply her statement in young adulthood? Well, over the years, I’ve attributed this truism to apply to more than just people, but situations as well.
The finer point of it all is this – people are going to do what they want and things are going to happen that have the potential to impact our days. We know that part, but the “allow” that rests in her quote, this notion of permission and how to respond – that is entirely up to me. No person or situation can truly ruin my day without me doing a couple of things: a) internalizing whatever was said or done, b) lending my energy to think about it, thus affecting everything I say and do for the remainder of the day and c) focusing my energy and thoughts on whatever transpired for the rest of the day.
We often blame others for contributing to – if not being the entirety of – the reason we had a bad day, but allow me to show you something. There are 24 hours in a day, so if you believe you’ve had a bad day because of a brief encounter or incident – be it a train delay or an inconsiderate neighbor – you have given the individual or event itself too much power and as an effect, your permission to affect you long after it’s over and they’re gone. Ultimately, it isn’t a person or an event that has ruined your day, but your reaction to the event itself, the permission you have given it to exist in your mind and your insistence on focusing on nothing else.
I have four sisters and a brother, so every now and then, there is some commotion – some early morning or late-night drama that has the potential to ruin the day ahead of us – but that’s only if we let it. I would be lying if I said that I never internalize any of our conflicts, always rising above it all, and enjoying my day. But I realized something. At the heart of most of our conflicts – and this is not exclusive to conflict with my siblings, but what we’ll find with most people – is miscommunication and hurt feelings. The reason someone is disturbing you is because something is disturbing them, which is another reason why taking a morning argument or miscommunication to heart, allowing it to disturb your peace and day, is fruitless. Because as personal as it feels, it’s usually not about you. There’s always more beneath the surface.
Letting people and situations affect you long after the ordeal is over is detrimental to you, of course, because it takes your focus away from everything else – your job, school, and other responsibilities – and rests it on something that has already passed.
More importantly, it takes your eyes off of God. You can’t keep your eyes on Him if you’re mentally elsewhere and on top of that, you have lost a day. A day that someone else didn’t wake up to see. A day that was full of opportunities that are now squandered because all your focus and energy was on something and someone else that, in the big picture, doesn’t matter. Part of growing up and maturing is choosing your battles – the moments and conflicts we don’t engage in because they are not worth our energy, and the moments that call for more of our attention. Take your pick.
