For the last couple of weeks, I have had a sense that I’m in transition. At the beginning of the year, I had three very close friends whom I told every single detail of my life. I found courage, identity, security, and love in them – so much so that anything they would say would stick to my heart like glue. Suggestions felt more like directions on where my life should go. And though one was a follower of Jesus and another was at least Christ-adjacent, their words meant more to me than God’s. Now all three relationships are gone. And this feeling of not belonging or awkwardness hasn’t left since.
“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.” (Hebrews 4:12 NLT)
I used to think that I was a very secure and independent woman. But when I prayed for God to search my heart (Psalms 139:23), after the end of a relationship with one of my friends, he revealed that I live for man’s approval and not for Him. Though that truth hit like a ton of bricks, I remembered all the times I would feel discouraged if no one would encourage me. Or how I wouldn’t feel beautiful unless someone complimented my appearance. As I started to connect the dots the Holy Spirit made it clear to me that I had forgotten my first love (Revelations 2:4).
“I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. You have patiently suffered for me without quitting. “But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first!” (Revelation 2:2-4)
Now, it took me some time to even ask God to search my heart but I was caught up in the pity party. “Why me”, was not something I would say out loud but my heart was crying because I felt abandoned. When I was growing up, I was mostly raised by my extended family, meaning I didn’t see my parents much. Though I know it wasn’t their fault for that arrangement and it worked out in the end, the feeling of abandonment was still present. So I developed a fear of abandonment, feeling that someone would eventually leave me so I have to hold them as tight as possible. God knows that. Yet He still chooses to separate me from those relationships. What is He trying to show me?
“This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” (Psalms 91:2)
God loves and cares for me more than anyone on this earth could ever. He will never leave nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) so it’s in him that I should find stability and safety. Hear me, I’m still walking through the hurt and revelation of this transition, and I still do feel awkward from time to time without these people in my life. However, I have started to see the beautiful progress of relearning my first love. We love saying that God will take us from glory to glory (2 Corinthians 3:18), but will we let him? Can we stand the awkwardness of the transition?
