The Defining Series was launched to amplify the experiences and testimonies of members of our community. For the month of November, UN-ASSOCIATED is dedicating its content, including The Defining Series, to the men of our community in an effort to redefine manhood as defined by the Word of God and cultivate a space and platform for men of God seeking support, community and the opportunity to be transparent and wholly themselves. For this edition of The Defining Series, men of God from our community shared their testimonies of their relationships to masculinity and how their faith has strengthened their ability to stand in the men God has called them to be.
Editor-in-Chief Danielle Clayton sat down with Miami native Miguel Cancio to reflect on his identity as a man and the importance of trusting our Heavenly Father and being obedient to Him.
Danielle Clayton: My name is Danielle Clayton and this is the Defining Series: Men’s Month Edition. And you are?
Miguel Cancio: Miguel Cancio.
D: We are just going to dive right in. How do you personally define masculinity and how has that definition shaped over time?
M: So, it goes back to the basics for me. Masculinity is what God defines it as. Simply put, God made Adam for the purpose of work. We were created to know Him and follow His orders and not in a militaristic way, but with a childlike innocence, although it is clear what that disobedience has led us to.
D: I’m thinking of something Emmanuel said earlier on the podcast today about how we can know something, but actualizing it in our lives is something entirely different. With that in mind, would you say that’s a definition you’ve always understood and been obedient to? Or would you say you’ve stayed pretty close to this definition?
M: : I wouldn’t say I wasn’t applying it fully but there were always seasons that I understood it more and now I’m realizing that I had to break certain barriers down to really operate in what that truly means.
D: Can you share any significant role models that have shaped your understanding of masculinity?
M: I would say my pastor, a few brothers at my church and my dad have influenced my Biblical masculinity looks like because I get to see their witness in person and they’re also the ones to explain what this faith walk should look like and why.
D: Do you remember a specific moment that was pivotal in your life where your pastor, your dad or someone in your church modeled masculinity for you in a way that you admired?
M: I was in a men’s meeting at my church and going through a lot both mentally and emotionally and there was a small group of us confessing to each other what we were going through. I had to decide whether I was going to consider letting go of a relationship I was in or my job because I could not be a good steward to both at the same time, but the strangest thing happened. Even though I recognized my weaknesses and my inability to be a leader in those roles at that time, my pastor told me not to jump ship and that was not what I was expecting him to say. He’s usually the first one to let someone know they’re not ready to be a husband, for example, and not in a bad way, he just doesn’t generally sugarcoat things, so what he said came as a surprise to me and I wondered what kind of wisdom did he have that he is telling me not to give up? There was hope for me when he said that.
D: I just wanted to say in response to your mentioning you were at a men’s meeting at your church how beautiful it is to have a space to speak as men because that’s why we started this Men’s Month, to cultivate a space for men in the community and freely express themselves. Unfortunately, spaces like that are not as accessible to men as they are to women. With that being said, do you find it difficult to be vulnerable as a man or have you found it difficult in the past to be vulnerable either with other men or in general?
M: It takes a humility to understand that what I have is not only free but it’s also seasonal meaning I have to be in the place where I take advantage of this space because many men, like my pastor has said, suffer alone and even though they may be well intentioned, the world may not give you the wisdom and insight you need and may even discourage you. I had to humble myself to be in a space where other men were being vulnerable because the Bible says confess your sins one to another (James 5:16).Growing up. I didn’t have the community I have now. I wanted to be in a place where I could just be mature in my faith but I didn’t come to Christ until I was 23. There was a youth group that my friend invited me to so I help out, and even though we would stay for the kids, I realized that much of what he was teaching the kids also applied to me as new believer and it was by the grace of God that I was even in that space. I was soaking it up and so even though the children had questions, I was the asking one asking questions too. I was old enough to be a leader but God, in that space, was extending Grace and building me up as a man with His Word. God opens a door, but you have to walk through it and I prayed for so many years as a child for this community and space and God answered my prayer.
D: How has God shaped how you view what it is to be a man?
M: God has shifted my mindset and readied me for the fact that challenges, suffering and tribulation come with the territory of being a man. In the Garden, when Adam and Eve sinned against God, God asks Adam, not Eve, where they are because Adam is who He placed in charge. So, for me, I take the responsibility that has been placed on me as a man seriously. He’s not requiring me to be perfect, He’s asking me to be obedient, so for me, Biblical masculinity is doing what God has told me to do, nothing more. He’s also given me a life raft and lifeline in the form of my brothers and the church to remind me I am not a lone wolf. Jesus modeled for us how to be in relationship with one another. Getting back to having my mind ready, the man must be sober and lead his family with sober judgment, honesty, wisdom and have a capacity to be vulnerable and a tender heart because the Bible says out of the heart flows the issues of life (Proverbs 4:23).
D: Have you ever struggled in your identity as a man? If you have, what experiences led to it and how did you address it?
M: I would say my struggle has been as it related to relationships and obedience. One day, God told me to do something and I didn’t do it which led to anger and disobedience that I took out on my coworker. I realized I could’ve let that settle and stir and be the author of a toxic work environment or I could be the first one to apologize and be mature. It’s like Paul said, as much as it depends on you, have peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). The man takes control of that and is able to apologize and take responsibility. Or with my girlfriend, for example, if she points something out to me, why do I act differently? Is it because that’s an area I need to work on? I was so single for so long and I had to realize if she’s asking me a question, it’s not to play Devil’s Advocate or for me to take personally, but asking questions is just in her nature. I have to be humble and examine myself to see if there are things she’s seeing that I am not.
D: Are there any particular scriptures that have helped you affirm your identity as a man or have been a comfort to you?
M: That’s a tough one. There’s a recurring theme in my life that’s based off of Isaiah 40: 27-31, which reads:
“Why sayest thou, O Jacob, and speakest, O Israel, My way is hid from the Lord, and my judgment is passed over from my God? Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
The King James Version just stuck with me for some reason because He gives strength to those who have no strength. There’s been so many times where I have been physically and mentally exhausted and God has given me all these things. It reminds me if I don’t have the energy that I need, it doesn’t mean He’s not there to provide what I need. Quite the opposite. There’s also a verse in 1 Peter 5:10 that says, “After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” That reminds me that when you’ve suffered a lot or when it’s a little while, you have to allow God to do what He’s doing in your life and that’s the suffering process. As believers, it has to come to a point where that suffering becomes the thing that molds you and not the thing that holds you captive or makes you feel as though you can never trust Jesus again.
D: What would adult Miguel, knowing everything you know now, tell your younger self?
M: Keep the faith. Don’t beat yourself up.
D: Do you have any final thoughts?
M: I have, by no means, made it. I am just someone who is going through the ropes like everyone else and God has been faithful and merciful to me. God rejects the proud, but gives grace to the humble and I hope people learn that sooner rather than later. As loving as God is and as free as it is, He will also allow you to go through the hard times to get your attention, so don’t be afraid to trust Him. There’s a reason God gives us warnings and I don’t say that in a menacing way, but I take that in a very seriously because if our will is left unchecked, it’s very dangerous and it can be very harmful not only to ourselves but to others, so as the chaplain as my church says, check yourself before you wreck yourself. The Bible is full of warnings and if we listen to them, he will pour out his Spirit into us.
