Who I am is a question that I have come across a lot and in many different capacities. What I really love is that my first instinct in answering this question is far different and backed by much more confidence and assurance. If you asked me who I was even just one year ago I probably wouldn’t be sure or have much of anything to say. I didn’t identify with a lot outside my occupation, or the physical qualities and characteristics that I have and that people can visibly see. Now, I can honestly say who I am is whoever God calls me to be. I am a servant. I encountered this a lot during quarantine, having the time to sit, think, and question things. With all the uncertainty and realizing how many things are actually beyond my control, I’ve since found myself now moving into this space within myself where I have released that control and allowed God to define me. The beautiful thing is that who God calls me to be and what He calls me to do is evolving daily. I have the privilege of being an unfinished work so that God always has more work to do on me. Who I am and my identity is in Christ. I no longer look to people or allow them to define who I am. I used to limit myself because of what other people may or may not have said about me, but now I have realized what it truly means to let God be the one to define you, to be who He says you are, and walk in that confidence. Who I am is someone that loves the Lord, someone that depends on Him, someone that seeks after Him. I am someone that desires only to be in His will and I’ll keep striving towards that no matter how many times I fail.

I am absolutely un-associated with and refuse to be defined by comparison. I unsubscribed from that a long time ago. For me, this stems from my experiences with social media. I think many can relate when I say that social media has impacted the way that I see myself whether I was conscious of it or not. While social media has never been something that is overly or extremely important to me, in recent years I have noticed how it has affected me. You just don’t realize how much you are taking in subconsciously about others’ lives and how that settles in your spirit and your mentality about yourself. Then suddenly one day you’re doubting something that you always imagined yourself doing, craving a life that you know you’ve never wanted, and you’re now unsure of the purpose that you know is God-given. When I started to notice that happening to me and how that impacted me emotionally and mentally, I just had to say enough and decide I was going to do better and love myself more. I didn’t and still don’t deserve to subject myself to the threats of comparison. Comparison is the thief of joy, they say, and this was what I experienced. I was accomplishing so much and doing what I had always seen myself doing, but suddenly that just wasn’t good enough anymore, and “maybe I should have done something else” or “If I had done this, maybe my life would be like THAT“. I had to take a step back and realize how harmful this was to my purpose and not only that but to my mental health and concept of self. I had to realize what life really is and also what it isn’t.

Life is not a small screen in my hand. Life is not me watching other people show me only what it is they want me to see. Life is, however, an opportunity to love who you are and walk the path meant for you.

I’m also associated with busyness. When I was in college I kind of just fell into this trap of needing to do any and everything to prove that I was doing something. Truthfully, the things I did were not even that important to me and most of them don’t even matter right now. Filling my schedule with meetings and clubs and events did nothing but burn me out. Eventually, I had to just evaluate where this need to be “on go” was even coming from. I realized that I subconsciously had begun to engage in some sort of competition with others around me, proving my worth based on this level of busyness and involvement. Comparison, yet again. Of course, there are for sure those that thrive in the context of being busy, but for myself, I had to learn to slow down. It did nothing for me. I was doing everything of quantity and nothing of quality. I had to learn to become more present and stop having to prove my presence. It’s good to be forward-thinking but tomorrow is not what’s guaranteed. The moment you’re living now, everything in this moment is a sure thing. Just slow down.

My faith has anchored me in a confidence and in a sense of peace that is incomparable to anything else. I actually reflect on this quite often. Being born into the faith, I honestly wonder how else I would have found God if this had not been how things played out. I started truly experiencing a sense of commitment and ownership to God around age 14, but it was not until recently within the last year-and-a-half to two years that I really took responsibility for my faith and pursued it as a relationship as opposed to an obligation. If I did not have this type of foundation, especially considering everything that we as a country and as a world have experienced over the last year, I would be absolutely lost. Looking out and seeing all the fear gripping the world, I am beyond blessed and grateful to not only believe in God but to know Him. I know who my God is. I know that there is purpose in all things. Having faith in the fact that my purpose is unfinished also provides me with hope and comfort when things look grim and uncertain.

I take hold of what God has spoken to me. I have His promises that serve as pillars in my life and they don’t move. His love and His promises are a sure thing, His faithfulness is a sure thing, and His loyalty to His word is a sure thing. In a world shackled by uncertainty, I find solace in the sovereignty of my God.

I also think that the teachings that I have received and grew up under have been very unique in comparison to other traditional forms of Christian preaching or education. The way that I have been taught has afforded me the ability to develop my optimal Christian mindset and solidify my approach to worldly experiences and oppositions at a fairly early age. It is important to know that we will face these oppositions and that this walk does not come without suffering, but we have been afforded the gift of faith. We have the gift of access to a personal relationship with the literal Creator of this universe, the Creator that stands outside of space and time. So, when my mom caught COVID-19 fear did not grip me, when she passed it on to my sister fear did not touch me, and when she then gave it to my father and it put him in the hospital for several days, fear tried to settle in, but my faith would not make room. My God is bigger than any and all things. God suspends us in a universe, in an existence so vast that no one will ever be able to fully comprehend it. The measures of what He can do are infinite. The measures of His love grow daily and are never-ending. I know this for myself. 

I know this because in the middle of a pandemic I went from a grad student questioning the next step, living at home, watching YouTube with no purpose or intention from day to day, to a salaried, full-time special education teacher in a matter of days. In a matter of a week, I went from feeling purposeless to having an immense shift in my responsibilities towards myself and others. Within months, I had an apartment that I could afford on my own and by the end of the year, I had a new car. Nothing about that tells me that God doesn’t love me. I say all of this with humility, and it’s through nothing that I’ve done and all of these blessings came with patience. See, I wanted these things sooner than when I got them, but God wanted to show me who He was in the midst of the most unanticipated event to take place globally in my lifetime. My God said no matter what is going on around you, I am still God. I still have authority. All other things fall second to the wonders of who God is and what He can do.

The greatest trial that I’ve overcome in my life so far would be the season of loneliness that I encountered beginning in early summer 2019 and continuing into the current pandemic. The summer 2019 was my summer after graduating college. That in itself brought a lot of change and feelings of isolation that I didn’t anticipate. Unfortunately, after college a lot of things changed and the support system that I initially anticipated having when graduating from school simply no longer existed. I truly was on my own in Philly and while it was a familiar place, everything about it was different. I’m just going to be honest and say that right after college, people changed up and switched up really quick, and because I was not as secure in myself or my relationship with God I struggled a lot more than I had to during that time. I really just felt abandoned, and also felt like I had to deal with it on my own. So I just tolerated what I was feeling and that was painful. It wasn’t until a year-and-a-half later when I actually had already moved into my current space that I encountered God more fully and went deeper into my relationship with Him.

It was in the midst of the pandemic and moving and being by myself that I just had to learn to lean on Him fully. I learned exactly who He is and what He means to me through this experience of being alone and being stripped of the co-dependence that I had on people that were no longer there.

I won’t go into further detail, but so many life transitions were already happening and then the pandemic hit. I hesitated, but at the height of the pandemic, I moved anyway, I guess to keep life moving, but instead, I felt more stuck than ever. I spent a lot of nights crying, a lot of time just wondering what I was even doing with my life and if I even made the right decision to come back to Philly. I spent a lot of time just being human and feeling feelings that were unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me because life had been so seamless up until this point. Then suddenly I found myself having to transition into this place of forsaking my control, and abandoning my inclination to rely on people, and having to call on God first. Releasing control was hard, but I had to allow God to open me up, strip me down, and build me back up. It took my being alone with Him for this to happen. It took losing important people and going out on my own for me to see God more vividly in my life than I ever had before, and ultimately I am grateful and humbled by what I went through. If it weren’t for these situations, if it weren’t for moving on my own during a pandemic, I wouldn’t know how to lean on Him the way that I do. Looking back on that time of loneliness and moving into the very unique strain isolation associated with the pandemic, it was the most emotionally distressing time that I’ve ever gone through, but this experience was what pushed me further and deeper into my relationship with God and my sentiments towards my season of loneliness are nothing but pure gratitude.

One message I have for youth is to learn how God speaks to you, and then…LISTEN!

Nine out of 10 times in my life I can honestly look back and say that was the Holy Spirit speaking to me, but I didn’t listen. There’s so much that I could have avoided emotionally if I had just stuck with what I knew to be true the first time and if I had just listened to the Holy Spirit when He spoke. Hearing from God doesn’t have to be this grandiose experience. God speaks within you. God speaks through His peace and quiet moments, God speaks in your thoughts to you. That’s how I mostly recognize God speaking to me, and it very well may be different for all of us! Become in tune with the way in which God speaks to you because that is the ultimate guide to navigating this life. Don’t think you can do it without hearing from Him. Also remember, you cannot abandon God’s word. Start in the Bible. I hear so many people say they want to hear God, they want to figure out who He is, and what He’s saying. Start in the Bible. It outlines everything you need to know about the God that you serve – all of His characteristics and qualities. Take time to be present with God so that the Holy Spirit, not only rests within you but so that He also is apparent to you. Give Him your time. Time is the one thing you can’t get back. It is the most valuable thing and I urge you to spend it in the presence of God.