There are choices that we made that wish we could change – that person we dated, that time we didn’t speak up, that time we said too much. It’s a natural feeling and happens to the best of us. But there is a fine line between reflecting on past decisions and doing a deep dive into the past, perceiving it as greener grass – an alternate reality rooted in the belief that our lives would be better had we done one or several things differently. That deep dive is called regret.
My mom recently took a small loan out for me for school, and in conversation, I apologized that it was something she even had to do in the first place. She turned to me and asked what I was apologizing for. She said it was her fault because she should’ve saved more years ago. Not only would she have had money for college for me but we would’ve been millionaires – that’s what she says every now and then and that is what she said to me in that moment.
What she did not give herself grace for is that I have five siblings and in the span of her life and theirs, a lot has happened – hospital visits, tuition, school trips, and hundreds of unaccounted incidents but more importantly, even if she had saved more, we still don’t know where we’d be, or if we would have circumvented the conundrum that is college tuition in America.
I reminded her of something I have to remind myself of, and that is that our perception of the situation was wrong. My mother was lamenting a version of life that may or may not have happened – we will never know. More importantly, she and I were bummed that a loan had to be taken out when the fact that there was money at our disposal to use toward my education was a blessing unto itself.
So often, we look at the glass half empty. Loans are burdensome and yes, it’s money that has to be returned, but there are students who have to take out far more money, or don’t have access to loans, or any kind of money to fund their education, and as a result, don’t even pursue it.
Regret has a way of making our current lives unappealing and makes attractive another set of choices, another life that is not guaranteed. There is no guarantee that if my mother saved more that we would live in a mansion. If I went to a different college, would my life had changed? If I wasn’t in tune with the Spirit, would I ever realize that I love writing? Would I be writing for Un-Associated? These are things that I will never know, but they are also things that do not matter. Because the fact of the matter is that my mom did take out the loan, I stayed home for college, I did realize I love writing and I do write for Un-Associated.
The problem with regret – with holding fast to the past, to things we believe we could have been, and the belief that we have deprived ourselves of something – is that we give ourselves too much attention and God not enough. We underestimate the fact that so long as there is breath in our body, the plan – God’s plan for our lives remains in motion. We forsake the very blessings that God affords today- a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, shoes on our feet, access to education, a sound mind, and countless others when we indulge a path that, in fact, does not even exist because we didn’t walk it. Just because you believe something went awry in a previous chapter, or rather, something was not done well enough, doesn’t mean you should punish yourself each and every day. That part of your story is written, but the story isn’t finished yet. Indulge in the choices in front of you and your life today, not choices in the past.
