When I was younger, my mouth got me into a lot of trouble and every now and again, it certainly still does but with age and maturity, I have learned a valuable lesson – I don’t have to have the last word. I went back and forth with teachers, my siblings, friends (never my parents because that probably would’ve been fatal), but it never got me anywhere. It created more strife for me and prolonged something that could’ve been over so much sooner. And I know for some people reading this, you’re surprised by my urging against wanting the last word and needing to be the last voice in a conversation and disagreement because you see that as defeat or as swallowing of your pride but when you anchor your understanding, as I’m about to, in the fact that God, not man, is our judge, the need to argue relentlessly or “defend” yourself becomes so much less attractive.
We fight with our words, or so we believe, forsaking over and over again that God is on our side and when we anchor our lives in Him instead of apart from Him, we need not fight – with our words or any other worldly weapon because we have Him.
Now, there could be a myriad of reasons why we feel like we have to get the last word in, and why we feel the impulse to say whatever we’re thinking without checking the source of our thoughts or even reflecting on what it is we’re saying before it comes out. Truthfully, this is certainly a two-fold issue but my particular interest at this time is the former, the need to always finish last in a conversation. From personal experience, my desire to have the last word was tied to two things – my desire to be liked by others and my persistent feelings of misunderstanding. For much of my life, people have misunderstood me. My kindness has always been questioned and I never really fit in. I’m generally a quiet person and I feared that my reserved demeanor led people to misunderstand and underestimate me. So, in my mind, having the last word was very much about combatting how I thought I presented. It was about defending myself or rather, the persona of who I thought I was to others. In my mind, I felt misinterpreted and misjudged therefore going back and forth with a friend, family member or someone I’m getting to know was worth it because it would help them better understand me. This, I thought, would give them clarity on who I am, right? WRONG. Everything about what I just said was wrong. The truth of the matter is that, and I’ve seen this a million times, people only understand you from their level of perception and no amount of explaining will change their minds. Living right, as my mother and father have said to me, or even striving to be decent and to be followers of Christ is going to upset people anyhow. Not to mention that my thought process was wrong because what others think of me should not be a driving force, should not motivate me and certainly, shouldn’t impact how I navigate in this world.
More poignantly, we all spend so much time thinking and anticipating what other people think of us, how people will react to us, or trying to accommodate and please others. Yet, we spend no time at all wondering what God thinks of us if we’re doing all we can in that relationship when that is the one that will save us, the one that sustains us and the one that will give us the peace, the joy and the comfort we so desperately seek in other people.
But I don’t care about having the last word anymore, about going back and forth with anyone and defending myself because I know who I am. Despite my flesh’s worst efforts and my shortcomings, I know my heart, I know my worth and if no one else on Earth knows those things, God certainly does.
I could argue with someone for hours, fight to defend myself, and maybe be heard or I can say my peace and rest in the fact that God knows my heart. There will be a time to say our peace and at that time, we speak in love and pray for the Spirit to abide in us. And there are also times when we have to have faith and that faith will enable us to rest in the fact that God is our judge and that is more than sufficient. Unfortunately, however, there are some people and situations that no amount of defense will convince. But thanks be to God that there is a time, as Ecclesiastes reminds us for silence as well, but we must realize that in that silence, while we may think nothing is happening, God is working, is honoring who He knows us to be. In that silence, we praise God in the way we carry ourselves and in the way we are able to exercise self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit, an intrinsic attribute we receive when we anchor ourselves not in what other people think or how we think we should handle conflict, but in God and the Holy Spirit. It is so easy to keep talking, to believe that the power is in our own voice and our own defense, but the road less traveled is often where we find God, where we find our faith substantiated, and where we find peace if we allow God to be God and relinquish the control we believe we have over others and our own life, frankly.
Coincidentally, my name means God is my judge and I think the knowledge of that has greatly impacted how I traverse and perceive the world.
When I was younger and far less mature, my greatest desire was to be liked by others, to be understood by others, and to maybe even be loved by somebody. But now, at 22, I realized, as David wrote, that a day in God’s courts is better than a thousand elsewhere and that I am liked, understood, and loved more than sufficiently already. My only desire is to do what is pleasing in His sight and in His will. With God as my judge, I have no greater defense. We have no greater defense than God Himself, and when we realize that, having the last word matters a whole lot less because we are comforted by the fact that we have an advocate with the Father.
