We’ve talked about the significance of fulfilling our purposes, taking rest amidst the pursuit of our dreams and purposes, and finally, being transparent about our feelings and telling the people around us how we feel – be it discomfort, happiness, etc. But what is missing? What has not yet been the focus of my discussions are the feelings of others and to what extent we, as a society, have become less invested in the feelings of others. You’re probably wondering what I’m talking about and why I’m saying we. Allow me to explain.
The other day, I was talking to a friend and he asked me something that totally threw me off. His question was “how are you?” It’s an incredibly common phrase in this day and age and yet, I didn’t know how to answer it when he asked me. But it wasn’t hard for me to discern why. I was confounded by the question for two reasons, actually. The first reason is that no one has asked me that question in a while. But the larger issue is that I didn’t know how to answer because what was once a conversation starter is a loaded question that without fail, we all answer by just saying fine – even if we aren’t. Three little words that have the potential to change someone’s day for the better are now obligatory words construed and asked when no one wants the answer to them.
Almost every time I’ve walked by people in hallways and they’ve asked me how I’m doing one of two things always happen. Just as soon as I gather my thoughts to answer, in a second, they’re halfway down the hallway. Or I say what everyone says – that they’re fine. I say this because I don’t know how much of what I’m feeling and going through actually wants to be heard – if any of it at all. I can never tell if I’m being asked because people want to know that I had a rough week and that this semester is taking a toll on me, or if they just want to hear me say I’m fine because anything more is an inconvenience to their time and their mental capacity. My point is that the quality and meaning of the question is not what it used to be. Somewhere along the line, we stopped asking people how they were without care for what the real answer was.
I get that we’re all busy with life, with work, with school, and with pursuing our dreams. But that shouldn’t be in lieu of checking on the people around us – I mean really checking in. I’m not talking about asking them about themselves so you can segue into what’s going on in your life, but really checking in with the people around you. And even if you can’t do anything about what’s going on and just have an ear to hear, that is okay too. Or maybe, you can find a different and more direct way to ask the question so that you can get to the heart of your friend/partner/relatives’ heart. I’m not banning anyone from saying the words “how are you”, I just ask that if and when you do, be more thoughtful about it. Make sure you’re asking because you want and care about the answer – whatever it might be.
