As long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be beautiful. I don’t remember which came first – people’s negative words or the contrast I identified between my dolls and I. All of them were slender, with defined cheekbones and wide smiles. And if you haven’t seen what I look like in person, let’s just say I’m the opposite of that description and have been since a young age. So, it’s safe to say I didn’t think of myself as beautiful and haven’t for most of my life, which affects more things than I thought it did. Even my faith.
Some weeks ago I was envisioning when God would connect me with my future spouse, and the Eleanor I saw was skinner. And in that very moment the Holy Spirit pointed out that every time I think about that desire being fulfilled, I don’t see my current self.
I realized that I have been praying for a spouse, but only believing that it will happen once I finally lose the weight. In that moment, I could feel the grievance He felt as I didn’t truly believe that I was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). As I pondered on that revelation, I saw the trail of actions, thoughts and motives that I take in my everyday life, like how I introduce myself to new people. Once I go in for the hug, I swiftly back away and don’t say much afterwards, especially if I’m in a group of people. Even the intimacy of a hug was too much because I didn’t want anyone to see the real me. All because I didn’t believe that I was beautiful or worth loving. I thought I was determined to lose weight and improve my lifestyle because I desired to be the best version of myself, when in actuality, it was about trying to prove I was beautiful. As if I could any more value to being an image bearer of the Most High (Genesis 1:27).
“Above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.”(Ephesians 6:16)
This experience reveals a principal part of changing what you believe and it is the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2). I gave into comparisons and often felt very insecure when around other women. “I wish I had her hair. If I was just a little smaller, I would look so good in this dress.” After some time, unless someone complimented me on my appearance, I inherently felt ugly. After talking to my spiritual sister about this, she said “This is nothing but the enemy”. These thoughts of self-deprecation and self-loathing are from the one who wants to corrupt the soil of my heart (Luke 8:15) lest I receive any of God’s word and live by it. It may seem vain to many of you, however how you view yourself matters. It actually reflects in more than just your self esteem but also in your relationships, health and yes, your walk with God. It’s time to cast down these thoughts!
“We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
One thing that I have to keep bringing to my remembrance is that God’s word is final. Meaning that though I may feel ugly, his Word says I’m fearfully and wonderfully made so that’s what I choose to ruminate on. I have to take the thoughts captive and bring them to the obedience of His word (2 Corinthians 10:5) every day.
By no means am I yet the pinnacle of confidence but I have reached contentment when it comes to how I look, which is a big shift from a couple of years ago. I am still unraveling the belief that my weight contributes to my beauty with his Word and maybe you can do it with me. Let’s run towards the truth of His Word and see the change in our faith and in us. Will you join me?
